Wordsmith: A Triple List

As a writer, words are my building blocks. Like Legos they are integral in allowing me to construct my monstrous houses of insanity. Like anything else, I have ones I like and ones I dislike. Over the years I have developed a hatred for certain words. I know it seems weird, but that's just how I am. For August, I have complied a list of words I think should be permanently removed from the English language. Also, because I'm all about value, I have come up with a secondary list of new words that should be added to our vocabulary. But wait, if you act now, there's a third list of words that I think kick major ass.

Bucolic: Pertaining to an idyllic rural life. It used to describe pastoral beauty but to me it's an ugly looking and sounding word. Before I knew its definition I thought it was some kind of horrible disease. "Hey, I got a case of bucolic and it feels like my nuts are on fire." One of the things I like about the English language is that pretty words sound pretty and ugly words sound ugly. Bucolic is an anomaly and must be eradicated.

Disgruntled: To be displeased or disconnected. Often used to describe employees that kill their coworkers. My only real problem with this word is that there is no "gruntled." How can you be disgruntled if you can't also be gruntled? It's right there in the definition: displeased and disconnected. That's the opposite of being pleased and connected. You should have the option of being gruntled. It's only fair. Get your shit together English language! Update: It turns out gruntled actually is a word that means happy. I stand by my dislike of the word however because I've never heard of a postal worker being gruntled.

Garnisheed: As in "your wages have been garnisheed." It just doesn't sound right. In fact, it sounds stupid. You wouldn't say "you will be punisheed" would you? Shouldn't it be "your wages have been garnished"? Garnishment is the act of withholding part of a person's wages to repay a debt over time. But then we get even more confusion. To garnish something would be to add a little decoration or flair like putting parsley and a radish on a plate of food. So garnish is to add and garnishment is to subtract. I think from now on it should be "your wages have been ungarnished."

Resplendence: A state of splendor, duh. I think this stands as one of the gayest sounding words we have. It's one of those words that only new-age poets use to give their boring couplets an extra fruity appeal. A few year back I got an album by pseudo-punk band AFI. As I was listening to the music I was reading along with the lyrics. At some point the singer actually used the word resplendence. I ejected the CD and have never listened to that band again. Resplendence has no place in our language and certainly no place in punk rock.

Snarky: I read a lot of video game and music reviews and what I've noticed is too many reviewers are using this word. I don't even think they know what it means. I see it being used to describe things that are irreverent or tongue-in-cheek, but that's incorrect. It's basically British slang that means irritable. Unfortunately, reviewers that think they are too cool have forced this word into our lexicon improperly. I dislike this word so much that when I see it in a review the writer's opinions are completely discredited in my mind. In fact, the overuse and misuse of the word snarky has left me feeling snarky.

Defenestration: It's essentially the act of kicking someone's ass by throwing them out of a window. How cool is that? It should be used more. "Yo, I defenestrated that motherfucker because he took my last beer." It turns out the word was invented when a couple of priests were chucked out of a window into a moat. The incident started the Thirty Years War. I think we need more words to describe unusual ways to beat people up.

Priapism: A medical condition in which an erect penis won't return to its flaccid state. It's a boner that lasts longer than four hours and it's a potentially dangerous situation. It's painful and could lead to losing the penis altogether. If you listen closely to the side effects in the Viagra ads, they try to slip this one in (pun intended) like it's no big deal. Interestingly enough, women can also get a painfully erect clitoris known as clitorism. And here I thought that was some kind of feminist movement. I guess I like this word so much because it makes me giggle. Yeah, I'm immature as hell.

Puzzlepate: It's a person who is baffled by simple things. I actually came across this in one of those word-of-the-day calendars but I can't seem to find it in any other source so I'm not sure if it's a real word or not. It should be. It's wonderfully descriptive. We live in a world filled with stupid-ass people who can't figure out how to do anything. With puzzlepate we have a one-stop shop to describe them.

Renege: Pronounced ri-nig. To go back on one's word. There's nothing real special about this word other than it sounds kind of racist doesn't it? It's like the "N' word only you're doing it again. It's a word that you can use to shock people without actually being prejudiced pig. I'd like to see a TV show called "The Niggardly Reneger" about a cheap guy that can't keep a promise. Just imagine the theme song. There would be protests and boycotts over two completely innocuous words because that's how stupid our society has become. Now that's what I call confrontational art.

Therapist: This word is no good until you insert a space between the "e" and the "r". Then it becomes The Rapist. I think psychiatry is utter bullshit and that's how I view the practitioners of it. They are the rapists of the mind. Have you ever met someone that went to therapy and was cured of something? I haven't. People go and they have to keep coming back. If you went to podiatrist for an ingrown toenail and he failed to cure it week after week, would you continue to go to that doctor for treatment? Of course not. Why then, do people go to a therapist for years and years. If it was in any way legitimate, people's problems would get solved. I think we should petition the dictionary folks to have the space permanently insert into this word.

Everyone with an eye on their own mortality wants to leave a legacy. I'm a father, writer, and musician so I have that covered. However, I would like to weasel my way into the consciousness of every English-speaking person for the rest of time. Thomas Naste gave us the word "nasty" and Thomas Crapper, the inventor of the toilet is a fucking legend. It's unlikely I'll invent something or have a word based on my last name, but I can try to coin a few words or phases that will render me immortal. These Are Words That Should Be:

Brown-Neck: noun, a person who is both profoundly incompetent and an unashamed ass-kisser. A brown-neck spends half the day with his head up the boss' ass and the other half with his head up his own ass. I know what you're thinking: shouldn't that be a brown-head? No. The human rectum is much smaller than the human head. Upon removal, the tight walls of the anus would clean the shit from the head leaving only a brown ring around the neck area.

Nepotismo: noun, plural, the collective group of achievers whose only talent seems to be their blood relations to someone with power and influence. Used in a sentence: "Tori Spelling and the other nepotismo dominated the awards show because they stole all of the parts from talented and deserving actors." The nepotismo are rampant in the entertainment industry. It could also be used to describe a system meant to keep genuinely creative people out of the creative jobs.

Quasiheedence: [kwa-si-hee-dense] noun, the ability to fake interest in one thing while focusing on another. It's an art form that allows you to recognize speech patterns without actually listening to a mostly one-sided conversation you care nothing about. Once perfected, you know exactly where to slip in "uh-huh" "I see" and "what a bitch" without actually hearing what was said. Quasiheedence will let you watch the game without pissing off your wife as she rambles on about a rude clerk at the fabric store.

Soonily: adverb, within a short period of time. It's the same as soon, but adding the "ily" gives a more adverby feeling. I know this one seems kind of stupid, but I've actually started slipping it into conversations and people never bat an eye. Try it out for yourself. If enough people use it, soonily it will become an actual word.

Urinoia: noun, the sudden and overwhelming case of erect body hairs experienced occasionally by men while urinating. Maybe you ladies don't know this, but sometimes when us guys take a piss we get a massive case of the goosebumps all over our bodies. It's like getting the willies for no reason. It doesn't even have to be cold to happen. I don't know why this is, but I think it needs a name. I thought about calling them pissbumps or whizzshivers but I think Urinoia is better.