“SINISTER SAM: WITCH-FINDER
GENERAL”
FADE
IN:
EXT.
SUBURBAN HOUSE - NIGHT
ESTABLISHING
SHOT of the small suburban house. There is a fierce thunderstorm. Lightning
flashes accompanied by a loud THUNDER CLAP.
INT.
SUBURBAN HOUSE/BED ROOM - NIGHT
A
young GIRL is on the bed convulsing and SCREAMING INCOHERENTLY in an otherworldly
voice. By the bed stands FATHER JAMES, an elderly priest, and SAM HAIN, a
strong attractive priest in his late 20’s.
Sam
is holding a crucifix in one hand and a bible in the other. He is muttering a
prayer.
SAM
Who first, escaping from the fire, shall see God. He
shall walk the waves and deliver man from sickness. He shall raise up the dead
and banish all evil.
It
is extremely cold in the room. Breath can be seen when the characters talk.
Father James holds a ceremonial vial containing holy water. He splashes the
water on the Girl. The droplets burn her flesh and she WAILS.
FATHER
JAMES
In the name of the Holy Father, I command thee Satan
to release this girl.
Father
James again splashes holy water on the Girl.
FATHER
JAMES
I cast thee foul demon back to the pits of Hell.
The
Girl stops convulsing. She looks at Father James with innocent eyes.
GIRL
Please help me.
Just
then, SPÄSMODEUS, a large winged demon, leaps from the Girl’s body. The demon
grabs Father James by the
throat and screams in his face. Späsmodeus’ breath scorches Father James’
flesh.
SPÄSMODEUS
No, I cast thee to the fiery pits of Hell.
Späsmodeus
throws Father James against the wall. The elderly priest collapses in a heap on
the floor. The demon turns his attention on Sam, who holds up the crucifix to
defend himself.
Späsmodeus
chuckles. The crucifix explodes, and then Sam’s bible bursts into flames. Sam
is terrified as Späsmodeus advances on him. Sam quickly grabs the vial of holy
water from Father James’ hand.
He
splashes Späsmodeus with the water. The demon HOWLS as he is sent crashing
through the window. Outside, Späsmodeus explodes with a brilliant flash.
Sam
rushes to the Girl’s side. He checks her vital signs, but is disappointed to
find none. He kneels by Father James and discovers that he too has expired. In
great anguish, Sam holds his arms up and cries to the heavens.
SAM
Lord, why have Thou forsaken me? Is my faith not
strong enough? Please Lord, give me a sign.
Suddenly,
Späsmodeus reappears in front of Sam.
SPÄSMODEUS
You want a sign?
Späsmodeus
rips off Sam’s left sleeve. With his clawed index finger, the demon carves a
pentagram into Sam’s bicep. Sam cries out in pain.
SPÄSMODEUS
Now you bear the mark. Now you’re one of us.
SAM
Never.
SPÄSMODEUS
You have been chosen.
Späsmodeus
laughs as he disappears. Sam looks around in despair. He rips his priest’s
collar off and collapses on the floor.
SAM
Give me a sign. Please Lord, give me a sign.
Clutching
his pentagram wound, Sam repeats his plea over and over.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT.
SKID ROW - NIGHT
1
YEAR LATER
Sam,
looking very unclean and dressed in tattered bum’s clothes, lies in the gutter
in front of a liquor store. He is muttering to himself.
SAM
Give me a sign. Give me a sign.
A
COP walks up and drags Sam to his feet.
COP
I’ll give you a sign. No parking.
The
Cop points to a NO PARKING sign.
COP
Get moving buddy.
Sam
stumbles off.
EXT.
ALLEY - NIGHT
Sam
is walking down the alley when he hears a WOMAN SCREAM. He proceeds down the
alley to investigate. The SCREAMS get louder and more frantic. Sam hurries
around the corner.
Sam
sees a WEREWOLF, half man half beast, attacking a WOMAN. Sam snaps into action.
He picks up a 2X4 and clobbers the Werewolf across the back. The Werewolf turns
toward Sam and growls.
The
Werewolf pounces on Sam and they wrestle, knocking over boxes and garbage cans.
Sam manages to push the Werewolf off of him. He gets up and runs. The Werewolf
chases. Sam takes a blind turn and finds himself trapped.
The
Werewolf catches up and corners Sam. The Werewolf prepares to attack, when a
garbage can near Sam begins to glow. Sam takes the lid off the garbage can.
Inside is a pump-action shotgun.
The
Werewolf leaps at Sam. He snags the shotgun and pumps a blast into the Werewolf
while he is in mid-air. The Werewolf falls to the ground. Sam ejects the spent
shotgun shell. He picks up the shell and sees that it bears a HOLY CROSS.
Sam
is confused. The dead Werewolf slowly begins changing from beast back to man.
Though it is dark and overcast, a light shines down from the sky onto Sam.
SAM
I understand now, my Lord.
Sam
goes down on one knee and bows his head.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT.
SAM’S OFFICE - DAY
Sam
is now cleaned up. He is dressed neatly in dark clothing with a long duster
coat, black steel-toed motorcycle boots, and a black cowboy hat. His office is
decorated with items both religious and morbid.
He
has an extensive collection of old books. There is a KNOCK at his door.
SAM
Enter.
NATASHA,
a beautiful woman in her early 20’s, enters. She is dressed in a skimpy leather
studded outfit. Her hair is purple and she has too much make-up on, giving her
a scary appearance. She is holding the classifieds in her hand.
She
walks in and looks around in amazement.
NATASHA
Wow, this place is wicked. What are you, a
mortician?
Natasha
notices a portrait of Matthew Hopkins, a 15th Century witch hunter,
hanging on the wall behind Sam.
SAM
Can I help you?
NATASHA
Are you Sam? My name’s Natasha and I’m here about
the job.
SAM
What are your qualifications?
NATASHA
I was hoping you could tell me a little something
about the job first. Your ad wasn’t that specific.
CLOSE-UP
on an ad in the classifieds that simply reads: HELP WANTED.
SAM
Let’s just say I need an assistant.
Natasha
smiles.
NATASHA
What is it? Drugs? No wait, I know the score. You’re
a hit man, right?
Natasha
walks around the room. As she does, the eyes in the portrait of Matthew Hopkins
seem to follow her.
SAM
In
a way. I’m on a mission
to destroy evil in all of it’s despicable forms.
NATASHA
That’s too cool. I think I’m the perfect person for
this job.
Sam
thinks for a moment.
SAM
Seeing as how you are the only one that didn’t run
screaming from my office, you’re hired.
NATASHA
Sick. When do I start? Or, more importantly what is
it that we do?
SAM
We take care of possessions, hauntings, any kind of
evil anomalous happening. Have you ever performed an exorcism?
Natasha
laughs.
NATASHA
And people pay you to do this?
SAM
If they can. The important thing is defeating the
malevolent forces.
NATASHA
And how do people get in touch with us?
Sam
grabs a phone book from his desk and flips it open.
SAM
I’m listed in the phone book.
Natasha
looks at a small ad in the phone book that reads: EXORCISMS ETC... CALL SAM
777-INRI. She shakes her head.
NATASHA
You don’t know much about marketing, do you?
Natasha
takes out a pen and pad of paper. She begins to sketch.
SAM
What are you doing?
NATASHA
Don’t worry, art is my life.
Natasha
continues to draw.
NATASHA
You need to catch people’s eye. And you need a name
that rolls off the tongue.
Natasha
thinks for a moment.
NATASHA
I got it.
Natasha
finishes her sketch, then shows it to Sam. It is a skull and crossbones with a
big banner that reads: SINISTER SAM. WE KICK SATAN’S ASS. Sam does not approve.
SAM
Sinister Sam?
NATASHA
Pretty good, huh?
SAM
I’m not sinister, I walk the path of righteousness.
How about Minister Sam?
NATASHA
Reality check. We’re not running a wedding chapel.
Sam
just brushes it off. He walks to the book shelf and begins taking out books.
SAM
If you are going to work for me, you need to know a
few things about our enemy.
Sam
starts handing the books to Natasha. He stacks books up to her chin.
NATASHA
What made you get into the evil fighting business,
anyway?
Sam
stops and looks at Natasha with a cold sober look. He takes off his coat, then
his shirt. He shows her the pentagram scar on his left bicep.
SAM
This.
NATASHA
Man, you are one creepy guy. I dig that.
CLOSE-UP
on the pentagram scar.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT.
CUL-DE-SAC - DAY
AERIAL
SHOT of the cul-de-sac. There are five houses around the circular dead-end
street. The position of the five houses match up with the five points of the
pentagram star from the previous scene.
Starting
from the left and going clockwise the houses are: Jimbo’s house, Ben’s house,
Reicher’s house, Skip’s house, and finally Lorenzo’s house.
EXT.
CUL-DE-SAC - DAY
BEN
ROTHSTEIN, a retiree in his mid-fifties, walks down his driveway to retrieve
his newspaper. He is dressed in a golf shirt, plaid shorts, high black socks
and sandals.
Just
as he reaches for the paper, JACK, and eight year old boy dressed in a cheap
Devil Halloween costume, jumps out from behind a bush. Jack is holding an
orange plastic bag.
JACK
Boo!
Ben
is startled. He jumps back and tries to catch his breath.
JACK
Trick or treat.
Ben
looks at the boy with confusion. He speaks with a slight Yiddish accent.
BEN
Jack is that you? Are you trying to give me a heart
attack?
JACK
What’s it going to be? Trick or treat?
JIMBO
SPARKS, Jack’s balding super-macho Father, runs up.
JIMBO
Jack, what did I tell you about bothering Mr.
Rothstein?
Jimbo
looks at Ben.
JIMBO
The kid’s a real handful.
BEN
I’ll say. That he should be out here in the middle
of summer begging for candy.
Jimbo
takes offense.
JIMBO
My family doesn’t have to beg. It’s just ever since
his Mother passed on, he’s been acting strange. He thinks it’s always Halloween.
And now that my daughter has run off to art school, things are real crazy.
BEN
You want to know about suffering? My people have
suffered for 4000 years.
Jimbo
looks at the brand new Cadillac in Ben’s driveway.
JIMBO
Looks like you’re doing all right to me.
BEN
Oh, yeah, the new Caddy. Leather seats, power
everything. I thought it was time to spoil myself.
SKIP
BATH, his wife ANITA, and their kids TY and JENNY are in their front yard doing
some light gardening. The Baths are the cleanest-cut family ever seen. Skip
looks over to Ben, Jimbo, and Jack. He calls to them.
SKIP
Howdy neighbors.
Skip
and his whole family wave. Ben and Jimbo simultaneously flip them the “bird”.
Jimbo looks back to Ben.
JIMBO
Anyway, sorry my kid was bothering you.
BEN
My nephew Josh is a psychiatrist. Maybe he could
help.
Jimbo
is offended.
JIMBO
Why don’t you keep your nose out of my business?
There
is a loud HONK, and a huge moving van pulls up across the street.
JIMBO
Looks like they finally sold the Lee house.
A
new BMW pulls up behind the moving van. LORENZO and JANELLE SABLE, a well
dressed African American couple in their mid-30’s, exit the Beemer.
Ben
and Jimbo look at each other, and speak in unison.
BEN
AND JIMBO
There goes the neighborhood.
Ben
turns and walks to his house. Jimbo drags Jack towards their house.
Across
the street, Lorenzo watches his new neighbors enter their homes. The Bath
family waves enthusiastically to the Sables. Lorenzo gives a half-hearted wave.
LORENZO
Tell me why we had to move out here with all these
white people?
JANELLE
We wanted to get out of the city and away from all
the crime so we can relax. Remember?
LORENZO
I don’t know how relaxed I’m going to be when they
start burning crosses in our front yard.
Janelle
places her hand on Lorenzo’s shoulder.
JANELLE
Would you lighten up.
LORENZO
Is that supposed to be a joke?
Janelle
playfully hits Lorenzo on the shoulder.
INT.
REICHER’S HOUSE - DAY
A
bony hand pulls back the curtain. Through the window, the cul-de-sac can be
seen. The movers unload the truck, and Lorenzo and Janelle walk to their new
house. The unseen owner of the bony hand lets out an INSANE CACKLE.
INT.
BEN’S HOUSE - DAY
Ben
is seated at the dinner table with his wife MYRA.
BEN
I don’t know what this world is coming to. First we
have that meshuggener next door, and now these people move in across the court.
I told you we should have moved to Florida.
MYRA
Eat your dinner, Ben.
Ben
looks at the food on his plate.
BEN
We couldn’t afford lean corned beef? What, are we
poor?
Myra
shakes her head.
INT.
JIMBO’S HOUSE/TV ROOM - DAY
Jimbo
sits on the sofa, beer in hand, watching a baseball game. Jack is by his side.
JIMBO
First the Jew gets a new Cadillac, and now the black
couple moves in, showing off their BMW. They’re all trying to make me look like
trash.
Jimbo
chugs his beer.
JIMBO
I’ll tell you what, tomorrow I’m buying a brand new
Corvette and show these jerks who the king of this cul-de-sac really is.
Jimbo
unleashes a huge belch.
