Jack is in Ben’s front yard toilet papering his tree. The Golem comes out and approaches Jack.

JACK

Cool costume.

The Golem looks confused at Jack.

JACK

It’s Halloween. I have to TP everybody’s trees. Wanna help?

Jack hands a roll of toilet paper to the Golem. He and the clay beast throw toilet paper in Ben’s tree. Ben comes storming out of his house.

BEN

What’s going on out here?

Ben sees Jack and the Golem toilet papering his tree.

BEN

What do you think you’re doing Jack?

JACK

Relax Mr. Rothstein. It’s a Halloween tradition.

BEN

I won’t put up with this nonsense. Go home right now.

Ben turns to the Golem.

BEN

Toilet paper, Golem.

Ben holds out his hand, demanding the Golem’s toilet paper roll. The Golem won’t give it up. Ben tries to take it away.

BEN

Give it to me.

The Golem gets angry and slams Ben in the chest, sending him flying across the yard. The Golem turns to Jack with an evil look on it’s face.

JACK

Yikes.

Jack turns and runs back to his house. The Golem, still angry, pulls the entire tree out of the ground and throws it.

INT. NATASHA’S APARTMENT/LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Sam is sitting in a chair. Natasha hands him a raw steak.

NATASHA

That ought to do the trick.

Sam puts the slab of meat on his swollen eye. He slowly nods off. Natasha puts a blanket on him.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. NATASHA’S APARTMENT/LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Sam is still asleep in the chair, the raw steak draped over half his face. Natasha is reading a magazine on the couch. There is a KNOCK on the door. Natasha grabs a butcher knife and slowly creeps up to the door.

NATASHA

Who is it?

From the other side of the door, Herman answers.

HERMAN (O.S.)

(disguising his voice)

Pizza delivery.

NATASHA

I didn’t order any pizza.

HERMAN (O.S.)

I mean, you’ve just won the Publisher’s Slaughterhouse Sweepstakes.

Natasha is wary. She backs away from the door. Herman crashes through the door, reducing it to splinters. He knocks the knife out of Natasha’s hand. He grabs her and drags her, kicking and SCREAMING, from the apartment.

Sam, meanwhile, is resting comfortably. Lilith is standing behind him with her fingers in his ears. Lilith waits until Natasha’s SCREAMS can no longer be heard. She takes her fingers out of his ears and walks in front of him.

Lilith snaps her fingers. Sam wakes up. He is shocked to see Lilith.

SAM

Lilith.

LILITH

The one and only.

Lilith takes the raw steak from Sam’s face and quickly devours it. Sam looks around in a panic.

SAM

Where’s Natasha?

LILITH

Forget about her. You’re here with me now. Let’s become one.

SAM

Never, you vile demon.

LILITH

Look into my eyes, Sam.

Sam looks into Lilith’s eyes. CLOSE-UP of Lilith’s eyes. Her eyes are swirling with psychedelic colors. Sam becomes mesmerized.

LILITH

Do you love me?

SAM

Yes I do.

LILITH

Do you want me?

SAM

More than anything.

Lilith removes her dress revealing, among other things, her skimpy black bikini and bat wings. Small pointed horns grow on her head.

LILITH

I want you. Mind, body, and  soul. Especially soul.

Lilith sits on Sam’s lap. They kiss passionately.

INT. HERMAN’S OFFICE - NIGHT

The office is decorated with morbid pieces of artwork. Natasha is chained to the wall. Herman sits behind his desk eating Chinese take out from a carton with chopsticks.

NATASHA

What do you want from me?

HERMAN

I am in the business of evil, and since you and Sam have been operating, business is not so good.

Herman smiles.

HERMAN

To answer your question, I want you to die.

NATASHA

Let me go, you freak.

HERMAN

Why all the hostility?

NATASHA

When Sam gets here, he’s going to send you straight to hell.

Herman laughs.

HERMAN

I wouldn’t hold your breath. One of my associates is taking care of him as we speak.

Herman takes a bite of his food. He places the carton and chopsticks on his desk. He stands and walks to Natasha.

HERMAN

I do so love Mu Shoo pork.

Herman caresses Natasha’s face.

HERMAN

But soon, I will move on to the main course.

Herman licks Natasha’s neck. She cringes.

HERMAN

I’ll make you mine for eternity.

Natasha spits in Herman’s face.

NATASHA

You disgust me.

Herman wipes the spit off his face.

HERMAN

You’re a feisty one. I like that.

Herman licks the spit from his hand and smiles.

INT. NATASHA’S APARTMENT/LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Lilith is still on Sam’s lap. They are still kissing. Suddenly, Sam comes to his senses.

SAM

No!

Sam pushes Lilith off of him.

SAM

I won’t fall into your trap.

Lilith gets angry. Her eyes burn red and her VOICE CHANGES.

LILITH

Then I’ll have to take your soul the hard way.

Lilith grabs Sam and lifts him over her head. She violently throws him at the wall. He crashes through the wall and lands in the bedroom.

INT. NATASHA’S APARTMENT/BEDROOM - NIGHT

Sam is on the ground, gasping for breath. He is covered in broken wall board and dust. Lilith enters. She picks up a lamp and smashes it on Sam’s head.

LILITH

Your last moments could have been so beautiful, but you are such a goody-two-shoes, so now you get to die in extreme pain.

Lilith picks up a chest of drawers and crushes it on Sam.

LILITH

I will torture your soul till the end of time.

Lilith smashes the night stand on Sam. A crucifix falls out of the broken night stand and lands near Sam. He is about to lose consciousness when he spots the crucifix.

LILITH

It is time.

Lilith reaches down and grabs Sam. She digs her nails into his chest. He grabs the crucifix as she lifts him into the air. He presses the crucifix to her face. It burns an image of a cross in her skin. She SCREAMS and drops Sam. Lilith holds her wound in anguish.

Sam lunges for her and stabs the crucifix into her throat. She starts to convulse as she drops to her knees.

LILITH

We will meet again, Sinister Sam.

Lilith breaks down and is reduced to a bubbling pile of goo. Sam brings himself to his feet. He dusts himself off and looks at the pile of goo.

SAM

Go to hell, Lilith.

Sam exits.

INT. HERMAN’S OFFICE - NIGHT

Natasha is still chained to the wall. Herman looks out the window at the full moon.

HERMAN

As soon as the moon reaches the right position in the sky, it will be time to drink your blood.

Herman turns to Natasha.

HERMAN

You have maybe ten minutes left to be mortal.

Natasha’s eyes show her fear.

INT. SAM’S OFFICE - NIGHT

Sam bolts into his office. He grabs a cross bow and a backpack full of sharp wooden arrows. He quickly exits.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. ALLEY - NIGHT

Sam is outside the ground-level window behind Herman’s office. He loads a wooden arrow into the cross bow and enters the window.

INT. HERMAN’S OFFICE/STOREROOM - NIGHT

Armed with the crossbow, Sam cautiously walks among the crates. He hears GROWLING in the darkness. He looks around until he sees a pair of glowing red eyes. One of the dogs leaps at him.

Sam shoots the dog with the crossbow. The dog YELPS as it falls to the ground. The dog bursts into flames.

Sam takes out another arrow. As he tries to reload the crossbow, the other dog runs at him. Sam can’t get the cross bow loaded, so he takes off.

The dog catches Sam and brings him down. The dog is gnawing ferociously on Sam’s leg. Sam finally gets the crossbow loaded. He shoots the dog in the eye. The dog catches fire. Sam kicks it’s carcass off of him.

INT. HERMAN’S OFFICE - NIGHT

Herman approaches Natasha.

HERMAN

The time is upon us, my sweet.

NATASHA

Get your hands off of me, you fruit bat.

Herman exposes his fangs and nears Natasha’s neck. She screams. Sam bursts into the room, holding the crossbow.

SAM

Back off.

Herman turns to Sam and smiles.

HERMAN

Bravo Sinister Sam. You got past my hell hounds. Too bad it’s all for naught.

Sam aims the crossbow and fires an arrow. It strikes Herman in the shoulder. He nonchalantly pulls the arrow out and looks at it.

HERMAN

Wooden arrow. How very clever, but you missed my heart.

Sam takes another arrow from his backpack and loads it.

SAM

I won’t miss again.

HERMAN

No, I suspect you won’t.

Herman points to a tall book shelf. He magically causes it to fall on Sam. Sam drops his crossbow as he is knocked down.

Sam stands up. Herman points at him and causes him to fly through the air. Sam hits the wall behind Herman’s desk and falls to the ground. Herman uses his powers to make the cross bow and backpack fly out of the window.

HERMAN

We won’t be needing these.

Herman turns back to Natasha.

HERMAN

Now, where were we?

Herman once again prepares to bite Natasha’s neck. Behind the desk, Sam stands up. He sees the chopsticks sticking out of the carton of Chinese take-out on Herman’s desk. He grabs the chopsticks and runs screaming at Herman.

SAM

Die!

Herman turns around just in time to see Sam plunge the chopsticks into his heart. Herman’s eyes bulge out. He steps back, trembling.

SAM

Looks like I found my mark.

Herman unleashes an unholy HOWL, then explodes. Sam, Natasha, and the room are showered with Herman’s blood and guts. Sam looks at Natasha.

SAM

I told you they don’t always die pretty.

NATASHA

Barf. Get me out of here.

Sam begins to untie Natasha.

SAM

Do you still think this is a wicked cool job?

Sam gets Natasha’s hands free. She wipes Herman’s blood off of her face.

INT. JIMBO’S HOUSE/BEDROOM - NIGHT

Jimbo is sleeping in his bed. There are several Mandrakes on the bed looking at him. One of the Mandrakes pinches his nose until Jimbo gasps for air. The Mandrake releases his nose and the other Mandrakes giggle.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. JIMBO’S HOUSE/DEN - DAY

Jimbo, Lorenzo, and Ben are seated on the sofa. None of them look too happy. Standing in front of them is Myra and Janelle.

JIMBO

This is ridiculous. I want all of you out of my house.

Janelle, angry, points her finger in Jimbo’s face.

JANELLE

Don’t make me smack you, Jimbo.

Jimbo backs down. Myra addresses the seated men.

MYRA

The competition between you men, and I use the term loosely, has gotten out of control.

JANELLE

So Myra and I have decided to bring it back under control.

Myra points at Ben.

MYRA

You are going to get rid of that clay beast.

BEN

It’s a Golem.

MYRA

Ben, you are treading on thin ice with me.

Janelle points at Lorenzo.

JANELLE

That Zombie of yours has got to go...

Janelle turns to Jimbo.

JANELLE

...and you will dispose of those Mandrakes.

Jimbo takes offense.

JIMBO

You may have your husband whipped, but you can’t tell me what to do.

JANELLE

Get rid of them, or I’ll have child protective services down here so fast it’ll make your head spin. I know you don’t want them to take Jack away from you.

Once again, Jimbo backs down.

MYRA

There is to be no discussion. The monsters must go.

JANELLE

Myra and I are going into the city to catch a show. When we get back, all of your creatures had better be gone.

Myra and Janelle exit. The men sit for a moment, looking defeated. Jimbo peers over to Lorenzo.

JIMBO

Your wife’s a bitch, Lorenzo.

LORENZO

You don’t know the half of it.

All three men share a laugh. Ben stands up.

BEN

The girls are right about one thing, we are neighbors, we shouldn’t be fighting.

Lorenzo stands up.

LORENZO

I agree. Let’s put the ugliness behind us.

Jimbo stands.

JIMBO

What do you say I get us some beers, then we get rid of our creations.

All three men take turns shaking hands with one another.

INT. SAM’S OFFICE - DAY

Sam sits behind his desk, sharpening a throwing cross. Natasha is polishing her shotgun. A CARDINAL, dressed in full ceremonial garb, funny hat and all, enters. He is accompanied by TWO PRIESTS. The holy men look angry.

SAM

Can I help you?

CARDINAL

I want you to stop this blasphemy at once.

Natasha points her shotgun at the Cardinal.

NATASHA

He might be a demon. Should I blast him?

SAM

He’s not evil. He’s from the church.

The Cardinal steps toward Sam.

CARDINAL

I have seen the ridiculous ads you have placed offering to exorcise demons. Why do you mock God in this way?

Sam stands up.

SAM

I provide a valuable service. When prayer alone is not enough, people call me.

CARDINAL

Just because you lost your faith doesn’t mean you can destroy faith in others.

Sam gets angry.

SAM

I destroy evil. My faith has never been stronger. I have been chosen for this.

CARDINAL

Listen to me O’ Anointed One, I command you to stop this sacrilegious activity immediately. Otherwise, the church will be forced to take action against you.

With that, the Cardinal and Two Priests turn and exit. Sam looks over to Natasha. She is unsure what to say. Sam shrugs it off and grabs an organizer from his desk. He flips through the pages.

SAM

Despite what some may think, we are doing some righteous work, and thanks to you and your marketing savvy, we are booked up solid for the next month.

NATASHA

I’ve got some other ideas if you’d like to hear them.

Sam becomes lightheaded. He falls to one knee and grabs his head. Natasha rushes to his side.

NATASHA

Sam, are you okay?

SAM

I’m getting that feeling again.

NATASHA

But we destroyed the vampire and the succubus.

Sam massages his temples.

SAM

It’s something far worse. I can feel the evil.

Natasha helps Sam to his feet.

SAM

We must go immediately.

NATASHA

Great. I just got the Sinister Mobile back from the shop.

Sam and Natasha begin gathering their equipment.

EXT. STREET - DAY

Sam and Natasha are standing on the sidewalk facing the street. Natasha has her hands over Sam’s eyes.

NATASHA

Get ready to be wowed.

Natasha takes her hands off of Sam’s eyes. He sees the new and improved Sinister Mobile. The van is tricked out with a custom paint job, lots of chrome, and mag wheels. The engine is exposed and there are huge exhaust pipes.

On the side of the van is the SINISTER SAM LOGO. Sam’s jaw drops.

NATASHA

You like?

SAM

It’s very elaborate. This must have cost a fortune.

NATASHA

Think of it as an investment.

Sam scowls at Natasha.

SAM

Did you use up all the money we’ve earned so far?

NATASHA

We still have enough left for gas.

SAM

Great. We’re broke again.

NATASHA

Broke, but we look way cool. And this is going to generate so much business for us, it’s not even funny.

Sam shakes his head and enters the van.

INT. SINISTER MOBILE - DAY

Sam sits behind the wheel. He looks at the new interior. There is a chain link steering wheel, skull gear shifter, and an awful lot of purple velvet. Natasha hands him a key with a Sinister Sam key chain.

NATASHA

Start it up.

SAM

I can’t drive this thing. I feel like a pimp.

Sam starts the car. The huge V-8 ROARS. Sam is overwhelmed by the power of the vehicle. He grins and punches the accelerator. The Sinister Mobile burns off.

SERIES OF SHOTS:

A) The Sinister Mobile speeds through the city streets.

B) The Sinister Mobile drives over the rolling hills of the countryside with a pack of werewolves in pursuit.

C) Sam and Natasha drive the Sinister mobile through a graveyard. They laugh as they mow over headstones and zombies.

D) The Sinister Mobile burns through the fiery pits of Hell. Sam and Natasha blast demons from the speeding vehicle.

END SERIES

INT. SINISTER MOBILE - DAY

Sam looks over to Natasha with a big smile on his face.

SAM

I like it.

Sam jams the Sinister Mobile into gear and punches it.